“How to Dissect a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.” “These Are Mommy’s Happy Pills” “You Were an Accident” “You Are Different and That’s Bad” “We’re Poor Because We Had You.” ...

Thanks to Parchment and Pen for these: 20. “I am not overweight. The word ‘glory’ in Hebrew is kabod which according to HALOT literally means ‘heaviness.’ The Bible also says that we are to reflect God’s glory. Therefore, I am just doing what the Bible says.” 19. “Looking at you makes me reconsider preterism, because you are heaven on earth.” 18. “Paul said that it was better to marry than to burn. Therefore, I am under God’s mandate to marry you.” 17. “Here, let me take care of those tithes.” 16. “You may not have chosen me, but I have chosen you.” 15. “I c...

From the best of Craigslist, a desperate “dog needs a good home” ad written by someone who should be hired to write the copy for erectile dysfunction commercials: Okay, so about three months ago my roommate takes in this stray dog. She’s horrible, and I’m a dog lover, so I don’t say that lightly. I say that as heavily as possible. And please don’t flag this post for removal, because there is a real dog whose life is at stake here, and although you may disagree with my not writing flowery Ad-Man prose about her, hell, I’m just being honest. This dog suc...

I’m calling the Reverend Al Sharpton and my local NAACP chapter. This is an OUTRAGE I TELL YA! ...

“I only have one job.” “Oh, really? What would that job be?” “Work.” “Work?” “That’s right. Work.” “Where do you go to work?” “At my job, where else?” ...